Petting lions on a Paradise Earth

Last night, as I was boozily enjoying a delicious cookout atop a Brooklyn roof, the conversation turned to Mormons. I am incapable of enjoying a light mockery of Mormons and their zany underwear without slipping in this little gem: "Oh, I was actually raised as a Jehovah's Witness."

This is always met with surprise by my friends, to whom such an admission is akin to saying that you were raised by wolves, or Juggalos. In fact, I spent two years of my life confined to my parents' house, not allowed to leave for anything other than going to the Kingdom Hall. If not for my guardians' hopeless misunderstanding of the internet, I would have had zero contact with the outside world. I might have even gotten baptized, written down the actual number of magazines placed on my Field Service Report, or something crazy like that. Instead, they fully believed me when I assured them that I was 'cyberwitnessing', and it got me off the hook for more than one Saturday when I preferred to feign illness and sit around watching TV.

It was when our conversation turned to Jehovah's Witnesses that I realized the inherent potential hilarity in my former religon. Attempting to explain how much Lion Petting I would be doing in the new world order was difficult, but I tried. Everyone agreed that Jehovah's Witnesses should push less "no sex before marriage" and more "pet lions and bears all day" if they want to recruit the youth of tomorrow. But since the full-time pioneers are slackin', I thought I'd do a favor for my old pals and try to help them out.

Please note not only the wicked cool lion petting in the background, but also the adorable Asian girl petting a bear. That's a Level Three Thetan Scale, girl registers OT Clear to pet that bear. Wait, sorry, got my cults mixed up. The Jehovah's Witnesses are reppin' the Five Token Band pretty hard here, I'm surprised the lion isn't in a wheelchair.